When reading this random tweet on Twitter “I’ve been at the little league field with back to back games since 10:30 AM & still here-happy Mother’s day 2 me!”, you might not realize those are the words of one of the funniest women in the country. Closer examination brings us into the world of Heather McDonald. Besides writing, producing and starring as a regular “round table” comedienne on the award winning television show Chelsea Lately, she is also on a running tour of performances around the country, presenting her stand-up routine to sold out crowds. Not bad for a wife and mother of three who consistently channels the voices of Sarah Palin, Drew Barrymore, Celine Dion or our favorite, Geri Jewel from The Facts of Life. Every night, we literally wait for the moment when something Heather randomly quips makes even Chelsea Handler laugh and lose her train of thought; a talent which she has perfected well! And while we continue to wait, reading her new national bestseller You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again, we thought we’d reach out and find a little bit more about the funny girl next door under the Amy Winehouse wig…and in front of the Kardashian butt!
1. How would your define yourself using 10 words or less?
A tall hot hilarious brunette married mother of 3!
2. If you weren’t a comedienne, what would you be doing?
Selling residential real estate because I’ve done that on and off for almost 20 years.
3. A teenager comes to you and tells you they want to be a comedienne. What advice would you give them to help them be successful?
I would first say only be a comedienne if people tell you are funny. If they do and you love when you’re telling a story and people are laughing start to write every funny thing you say and think down. Then look into taking improvisation or stand up comedy classes and get up there and do it.
4. You’re a regular member of the Chelsea Lately round table. How do you typically prepare for each show and how do you keep your material fresh?
First I think of what is my point of view and make sure it is different than Chelsea’s then I type a few jokes down for each topic. As I’m getting my hair and make up done I go over them with my make up artist and based on what she laughs at. I choose to say those jokes first.
5. What would we, the boys of raannt, have to do; bribe, threaten, strip, screw…to get on the round table? How is it decided who is a new member?
It is very rare that we have anyone new on because Chelsea really likes having regulars on because of the relationships and chemistry we have with each other. But I would say keep doing what you are doing.
6. Where did the “Heather Long Boobs McDonald” nickname come from?
I was wearing a low cut dress in a sketch and Chelsea called me Long Boobs and it got such a big laugh she kept saying it and caught on. I do not have long boobs.
7. What’s your favorite thing about being on the round table?
Being myself and getting my hair and make up done.
8 You recently released your book “You’ll Never Blue Ball in this Town Again.” Tell us about your book.
It is about all the guys I did not have sex with in LA during the 90s. The main reason being I was virgin until I was 27.
There are a lot of very embarrassing funny dating stories.
9. What is your favorite and least favorite book you have ever read?
Besides Chelsea’s books my other favorite book was Mackenzie’s Phillips autobiography about how she was having a consensual sexual relationship with her father in her 20s for over 10 years. I mean it doesn’t get more juicy than that.
10. Since you’re now a New York Times Bestseller List honoree, what would be two other awards you would like to earn?
I would like to get an Emmy for playing a mom in a hit sitcom and I’d like an Oscar for best supporting actress because comediennes only win Oscars if they are for supporting roles never for best actress.
11. You worked closely with the Kardashians in this book. What was their role in it and how was your experience working with them?
I did not work with them. They are just my friends who loved the book and gave me a quote for the back. However, I’d love to work with them one day designing clothes for flat butts for girls like me.
12. Who are your two favorite celebrities to impersonate. Who have you wanted to impersonate but found too difficult?
My two favorites are Drew Barrymore and Celine Dion. Everyone thinks I do Cher and I can but only when she sings not when she talks.
13. You have been married for over 10 years. What is the secret to a successful marriage?
I got married in the Catholic church and therefore made a promise to God. I plan on going to heaven so therefore I’ve stayed married. No seriously, we do stuff on our own away from our kids and we never let any fight last too long.
14 The bio on your website states you “reside in the San Fernando Valley next door to her parents just in case they run out of milk, Chardonnay or need one of her dad’s Vicodin.” Which one happens most often?
I run out of Chardonnay a lot but my always has a chilled bottle waiting and she loves to drink it with me.
15. Name the sexiest city? Hotel? Movie? Place to kiss? Place to get drunk?
The sexiest city is Cabo. Movie is Unfaithful, Kiss is in the rain (I’ve yet to do that) get drunk in any pool.
16. Let’s play fuck, marry, kill. Chelsea, Chuy and Brad Wollack?
I’d fuck Chelsea because she’s completely bare down there so it wouldn’t be too bad. I’d marry Brad because his parents have their winery and I’d have to kill Chuy, sorry.
17. Give us quick thoughts on the following: Jenna Jameson, the death of Osama Bin Laden, Amy Fisher’s porn career and gay marriage.
Jenna: Amazing mother of twin boys, Osama: I’m having sexual fantasies about the Navy Seal who shot him, Gay Marriage: I want it to be legal everywhere also I love weddings and feel I have a lot of gay invites in my future.
18. If you were going to start your own line of Heather McDonald Chardonnay, since you’re such a huge fan, what would it be called and what would make it so special? How much would you charge?
It would be called Impressions because I do a lot of impressions and it will make an impression at your table. It’s special because it’s buttery. I would charge around 11 dollars.
19. What would you like to be doing in 10 years?
Being on television even more either as myself or playing a comedic role in a funny show.
20. What do you find sexy on a man: boxers, briefs, jockstrap, or nothing at all?
I find boxers sexy because I like the excitement that it might slip out at any moment.
Be Yourself. Be Fearless. Be Your Own Unexpected Luxury!
*Photographs thanks to Heather McDonald and Eva Magdalenski and Alex Spieller of Anderson Group Public Relations
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